How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
