first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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