I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
