New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
