please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
