Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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