is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
so let's talk penis.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
