good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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