M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
