I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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