So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
