ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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