I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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