i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
