This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
im on a boat
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