6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
