it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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