Cold hands, warm shart.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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