I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
