Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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