he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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