I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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