my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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