I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
