so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
why do cheetos always look like penises
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
