i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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