i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
