I smell stomach acid.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
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dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
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I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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