I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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