tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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