god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
