party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
