Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
