Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
