Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
