What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
