im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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