Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
