i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
