Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
