my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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