so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
