For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I need moral support for this bender
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
