She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
