bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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