3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
