i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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