Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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