You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
