Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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