the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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