A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
