why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
