We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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