Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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