the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
