my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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