When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
