All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
