I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
